May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from spot. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let's have One more position the place American Guys can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give everyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually Trump Tower Damascus not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Area, a element getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting attention from Worldwide investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have flip-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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